Reverse Attention

Parenting is transforming into what people call “modern” parenting. Unfortunately this model of parenting confuses parents and has put more strain on their relationships with their kids. There are many examples of that, but this post is about when and why parents give attention to their children. As we will learn, what time the attention is given is the most important part.

When the child is still a baby they communicate from instinct. They cry - and we are there for them. After all, they need us to take care of them - to feed them, change them, comfort them, to give them kisses and hugs.

The baby gets use to this way of attention. They know that every time they cry, or throw a fit, we give them immediate attention. That's how it should be, but ONLY when they are still babies and have no words or other ways of communicating to us.

The problem for many parents is they get use to this pattern of parenting communication. And our children start relying on this way of communicating to get what they want! They push our buttons so to speak. And as they get a little older, kids continue to get attention from us the same way as when they were babies because this is the only way they know that works.

Unfortunately, I see some very busy parents who forget to remind themselves that the baby has grown into a toddler and then starts to develop other ways of communication with us. The child will start developing body language, and gestures and start speaking some words. Our toddler keeps testing us for new ways to get our attention with these new tools, but we are often times so busy, we only respond or give attention to them the old way - when they cry, throw a tantrum or being moody.

I see parents who easily spend 10-15 minutes giving attention to the crying toddler. But by doing so they don’t advance their parenting and this gives wrong signals to the child. They signal to the child, “I will give you the most attention only when you are crying or doing something wrong.”

Haven’t we all been to the circus or seen how animals have been trained to behave and do what their trainers want them to do? Every time they behave or execute their trainer’s command, they get attention. They get a treat or get petted. In a short time they understand that every time they get attention is when they have a positive attitude, not the other way around. Have you ever seen someone giving a treat to their dog when they are barking and being mean? I never have!

We should apply that same strategy with our children. Babies need us in the beginning, but as soon as they become a toddlers they are looking up to us to show them new ways of communication. Unfortunately most parents never do.

Here is a magic tip on how you can easily fix a child’s misbehavior and moodiness:

You must change your attention strategy when they misbehave as soon as your baby starts walking, trying to talk, or expressing things with their hands, etc. In other words, all of the quick responding and attention you gave them when they were misbehaving when they were babies must stop right then. After they get a little older your attention should be redirected and focused on your child mostly when they are well behaved, in a good mood, pleasant to be around and when they do good.

Now I’m not saying the tantrums and crying will disappear. I am saying during their moodiness and misbehavior you should not give attention to your child unless they are about to fall or hurt themselves. Even then just handle the situation with only the necessary minimum attention level, no more.

That's how our kids will learn a new ways of communication - that when they behave well, we are there for them, and we are not going to come running everytime they cry and have melt downs. Don’t worry, this won’t have to last forever. They will learn this lesson very quickly.

So again, parents must REVERSE their attention involvement. Parents are the one who must redirect their kids behavior and give them the right way of communication.

The magic of this good behavior attention works at any age from 1 to 21 years old. When my daughter was a teenager she knew I woudn't pay any attention to her if she was snappy or screaming. I would just remove myself from the room or the place we were at. If she talked to me on the phone with a bad tone, I would immediately hang up on her. It didn't take her a long time to figure out that if she wanted or needed attention from me, she had to talk at a normal tone and be pleasant. This way she would get all my attention and more. If she behaved, we would go see a movie, grab a bite or do a little shopping, play a game, etc. More importantly though, our communication would become more authentic and we would relate to each other better. We would have more respect for each other. In this way I could make a big contribution to her life by helping her overcome her issue or challenge in the first place. I use to say to her all the time, be nice to me and I will be 100 times more nice to you. The lesson is that you get more out of your children by rewarding positive behavior, than you do by rewarding negative behavior.

So parents, reverse your way of attention and you will experience a different attitude from your kids. They will be very pleasant to be around, you will enjoy being a parent again, and you will get your life back! It will work like magic!